Visit our Twitter feed for more great content
TRExp

Spitfire & GT6 Forum

Your Best Joke

Moss Motors
AutoShrine Sponsor
AutoShrine Sponsor
AutoShrine Sponsor
AutoShrine Sponsor

Doug in Vegas Avatar
Doug in Vegas Douglas D
Las Vegas, NV, USA   USA

. Hide banner ads & support this website by becoming a > Gold Supporting Member <
rammy Avatar
rammy Mark W
Ashland City, TN, USA   USA
1973 Triumph Spitfire 1500 "Jasmine"
Ok.... I'll add something here.....


Honey, ……. I need to order more Triumph parts


She always falls on the floor laughing winking smiley

mkivmarty Avatar
mkivmarty Marty Yanik
N.E.Ohio, USA   USA
A woman in her late 30s goes to see a plastic surgeon about doing a face lift. The surgeon tells her that she is to young for such a procedure, but he has developed a new process that is perfect for her and will give her many, many years of wrinkle free skin. He explains that he implants a small device at the base of her neck. Whenever she feels the need to remove some facial wrinkles all she has to do is give this knob a little twist and all of the skin on her face is instantly tightened. She excitedly agrees to have the surgeon operate as soon as possible.

Years pass, and the woman is very pleased. Whenever she sees a new wrinkle she gives the knob a slight twist and the new wrinkle is gone!!

Until one day it didn't work. She goes back to the surgeon complaining that as hard as she twists the knob she can't get rid of the bags under her eyes. Upon examination, the surgeon tells her that she has been applying to much pressure to the implant.

"Those aren't bags under your eyes" he tells her. "Those are your breasts"

"Well, That explains the goatee" says the woman.

Marty

. Hide banner ads & support this website by becoming a > Gold Supporting Member <
carChips Avatar
carChips Victor Harnish
Kelowna, BC, Canada   CAN
1933 MG Magnette
1973 Triumph Spitfire 1500 "Chip"
1989 GMC Sierra 1500 "Bush Truck"
Scary.....


Subject: The future is here...





CALLER:
Is this Gordon's Pizza?...

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want …

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!.

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the heck do you know!

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HECK!!!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…



'S all for now
Vic

clshore Carter Shore
Beverly Hills, FL, USA   USA
I work in Big Data, and sadly, the truth is far worse than that.
Every single thing that we do can be and is captured and analyzed (including me typing this post, and you reading it).
Plus, based on what we have done, they can predict with amazing accuracy what we will do in the future.

Fictioneer Avatar
Fictioneer Doug Hirt
Colorado Springs, CO, USA   USA
In reply to # 1593529 by clshore I work in Big Data, and sadly, the truth is far worse than that.
Every single thing that we do can be and is captured and analyzed (including me typing this post, and you reading it).
Plus, based on what we have done, they can predict with amazing accuracy what we will do in the future.

MINORITY REPORT here we come!



"Mr. Filby, do you think he'll ever return?"
"One cannot choose but wonder. You see . . . he has all the time in the world!"

SpiTazz72 Avatar
SpiTazz72 Bryan H
Magnolia, TX, USA   USA
Google helped me fix my Spitfire! LOL

carChips Avatar
carChips Victor Harnish
Kelowna, BC, Canada   CAN
1933 MG Magnette
1973 Triumph Spitfire 1500 "Chip"
1989 GMC Sierra 1500 "Bush Truck"
My dad got fired from the road crew for stealing. I just couldn't believe it, but when I got home, all the signs were there.



'S all for now
Vic

Tonyfixit Avatar
Tonyfixit Tony M
Duncan, BC, Canada   CAN
In reply to # 1593529 by clshore I work in Big Data, and sadly, the truth is far worse than that.
Every single thing that we do can be and is captured and analyzed (including me typing this post, and you reading it).
Plus, based on what we have done, they can predict with amazing accuracy what we will do in the future.

I remember reading about a woman that started getting pop up ads for baby food and clothes after just thinking about having a first child.
Apparently she was tracked via her cell phone as she walked around Walmart and was looking at things in the baby section.

scardini1 Avatar
scardini1 Gold Member Jim Moscardini
Great Mills, MD, USA   USA
1968 Triumph GT6 "Rocinante"
2003 Jaguar XKR "Kitty"
In reply to # 1593555 by carChips My dad got fired from the road crew for stealing. I just couldn't believe it, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


So bad, ... so bad in so many ways,.... grinning smiley

Doug in Vegas Avatar
Doug in Vegas Douglas D
Las Vegas, NV, USA   USA
In reply to # 1593557 by Tonyfixit Apparently she was tracked via her cell phone as she walked around Walmart and was looking at things in the baby section.

As opposed to people my age who are looking for medicated powder.

spitfire50 Avatar
spitfire50 Paul Mugford
Rochester, N.H., USA   USA
In reply to # 1593529 by clshore I work in Big Data, and sadly, the truth is far worse than that.
Every single thing that we do can be and is captured and analyzed (including me typing this post, and you reading it).
Plus, based on what we have done, they can predict with amazing accuracy what we will do in the future.

Carter,
This may be frighteningly true, but they still persist in sucking at giving relevant results when I search the web. I hope their decisions screw them up just as badly.
All the best,
Paul

clshore Carter Shore
Beverly Hills, FL, USA   USA
In reply to # 1593847 by spitfire50
In reply to # 1593529 by clshore I work in Big Data, and sadly, the truth is far worse than that.
Every single thing that we do can be and is captured and analyzed (including me typing this post, and you reading it).
Plus, based on what we have done, they can predict with amazing accuracy what we will do in the future.

Carter,
This may be frighteningly true, but they still persist in sucking at giving relevant results when I search the web. I hope their decisions screw them up just as badly.
All the best,
Paul

Unless you have access to the data, the Data Science skills to use the tools, and a Hadoop cluster available to run on, not much chance to get useful results.

How many folks do you think are shopping online at Amazon in any given moment? A million?
Now, when you are shopping for a product, and see a message like 'People who bought <product name> also bought so and so ...' and they
show you 3 or 4 products, it's because the following has occurred:
They have guessed you age, gender, income range, geographical location, sexual preference, marriage status, race, ethnicity, level of education, etc.
and shopping history. Based on that, some very complex statistical modeling and processing is performed, to yield a list of the top most profitable items
that you are likely to also buy, while they have your attention (and your credit card ready).
That is all done, for everyone buying, within a couple of seconds.
It costs them perhaps 1 or 2 cents to run each calculation.
But it consistently averages perhaps 5-10% increase in overall sales volume.

Wolfcreek Steve Steve P
Central, WI, USA   USA
1937 Dodge Magnum "The Dodge"
1947 Unknown Unknown "My Autocar"
1980 Triumph Spitfire 1500 "Vicki's Little Red Car"
I find that I get shown what I'm looking for, right after I bought it somewhere online.

TheZster Avatar
TheZster Steven Z
SAINT LOUIS, MO, USA   USA
1978 Triumph 1500 "BLK-BRY"
I hate that stuff...… It wasn't 24 hours after I checked into my extended stay hotel in Dallas that I began to get phone calls from a Fort Worth number with an automated message asking if I needed new auto/property coverage in the Lone Star State..... Big Brother is here.... and his name is "Google"....

Z

. Hide banner ads & support this website by becoming a > Gold Supporting Member <

To add your reply, or post your own questions




Registration is FREE and takes less than a minute!


Having trouble posting or changing forum settings?
Read the Forum Help (FAQ) or contact the webmaster