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Your Best Joke

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docman Avatar
docman Bob Harris
Dearborn, MI, USA   USA
1972 Triumph GT6 MkIII "SOLD"
1983 Ford Mustang "Daddy's"
2015 Jaguar XF "Kitty"
A man is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,"I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again,"Nurse, please check for me Are my testicles black?"Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one Hand and his testicles gently in the other She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen to me very, very closely:

"Are – my – test – results - back....!

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docman Avatar
docman Bob Harris
Dearborn, MI, USA   USA
1972 Triumph GT6 MkIII "SOLD"
1983 Ford Mustang "Daddy's"
2015 Jaguar XF "Kitty"
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and
comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday...
morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear,"
replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out
the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was
just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply
in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and
continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

MHKflyer52 Avatar
MHKflyer52 Martin Keller
Ventura, CA, USA   USA
In reply to # 1579429 by docman "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.”

Now that is funny.

Remember this is a forum that some kids also view.

cool smiley



Martin Keller
Ventura, CA.
1971 Triumph GT6 (A work always in progress.)

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MKIII Avatar
MKIII Norbert S
Moerfelden, Hessen, Germany   DEU
In reply to # 1579444 by MHKflyer52
In reply to # 1579429 by docman "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.”

Now that is funny.

Remember this is a forum that some kids also view.

cool smiley

Come on, wath is so bad about paiing your kids some icecream winking smiley



Regards Norbert 1969MK3

MHKflyer52 Avatar
MHKflyer52 Martin Keller
Ventura, CA, USA   USA
In reply to # 1579476 by MKIII
In reply to # 1579444 by MHKflyer52
In reply to # 1579429 by docman "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.”

Now that is funny.

Remember this is a forum that some kids also view.

cool smiley

Come on, wath is so bad about paiing your kids some icecream winking smiley

Now that is funny for sure.....grinning smiley.....

cool smiley



Martin Keller
Ventura, CA.
1971 Triumph GT6 (A work always in progress.)

Hudson, WI, USA   USA
The internet is filled with pornography - you really think an 'adult' joke will jade some young person? How old were you when you heard/told raunchy jokes? Many, if not all of us, were likely still in grade school.

Just sayin'.

Doug in Vegas Avatar
Doug in Vegas Douglas D
Las Vegas, NV, USA   USA
In reply to # 1579522 by Wayne G The internet is filled with pornography - you really think an 'adult' joke will jade some young person? How old were you when you heard/told raunchy jokes? Many, if not all of us, were likely still in grade school.

Just sayin'.

Most of this crowd is old enough to remember sneaking off with a National Geographic.

Mr W Leo Watkins
Preeston, York, UK   GBR
It was reported on the news today that a cessna plane crash landed in a cemetry in Belfast.
Rescue services have recoverd 127 bodies.

Efp Avatar
Efp John Walsh
London, UK   GBR
A man walks into a bar,
notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there's at least thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's with the money in the jar?"
“Well ...
you pay $10,
and if you pass three tests,
you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up,
so he asks,
"What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first,"
says the bartender,
"those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while,
he gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay,"
says the bartender,
"here's what you need to do:
First …
You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
in 60 seconds or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it."
“Second …
There's a pit bull chained in the backwith a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
“Third …
There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.
You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned!
“I know I paid my $10,
but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila
and then do all those other things!"
"Your call,"
says the bartender,
"but, your money stays where it is."
The man has a few more drinks and finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?"
He grabs the bottle with both hands
and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks --
but he doesn't make a face --
and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next,
he staggers out the back door
where the pit bull is chained to a pole.
Soon,the people inside hear loud growling, screaming,
and sounds of a terrible fight …
then nothing but silence!
Just when they think the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds
and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He then drunkenly says,

"Now …
where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

SpiTazz72 Avatar
SpiTazz72 Bryan H
Magnolia, TX, USA   USA
No oil


Attachments:
1nooil.JPG    15.8 KB
1nooil.JPG

61bugeye7273mg Avatar
61bugeye7273mg Silver Member Jeff Wagaman
Hanover, PA, USA   USA
What about “Phil?” Laying in a pothole?

Or “Art” hanging on the wall.

I know sad, couldn’t help it.

Spitnut64 Avatar
Spitnut64 Gold Member John Mills
Milwaukee, WI, USA   USA
1970 Triumph Spitfire MkIII "Sarah Jane"
Overheard in a culinary class teaching Indian cuisine in a reform school for boys:

"Curry on my wayward son; there will be peas when you are done!"

-



"Given enough time, an amateur can build anything.”

- Bob Hicks (as quoted in the 1997 "Mariner’s Book Of Days"winking smiley

docman Avatar
docman Bob Harris
Dearborn, MI, USA   USA
1972 Triumph GT6 MkIII "SOLD"
1983 Ford Mustang "Daddy's"
2015 Jaguar XF "Kitty"
Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill

a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found

four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the

four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine

which of them would get the job.



The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,

Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'



The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.

There's no warning.



'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.

'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.



'Hmmm..let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know

that it ever happened.. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'



'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular

cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was

contemplating his reply.



'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the

wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across

the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.

'Yip,TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.'



Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she

had found her man 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.



Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.



Old Louie replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious

to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'



'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...



'Oh sure', said Louie. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and

I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE

LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'



Louie is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!



You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.

richrd Avatar
richrd rich stone
omaha, USA   USA
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week..



'64 spitfire
and a bunch of brit bikes

MHKflyer52 Avatar
MHKflyer52 Martin Keller
Ventura, CA, USA   USA
Now that is funny....33 lbs that week....
cool smiley



Martin Keller
Ventura, CA.
1971 Triumph GT6 (A work always in progress.)

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