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Herman N Avatar
Herman N Herman Nortje
Oudtshoorn, Western Cape, South Africa   ZAF
Took the wife to the docters. After a long whait he comes out and says

"Herman.....we are dealing with something really ugly here.."

" I know" said I.....".but she is so good with the kidds......."

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Born Loser Avatar
Born Loser Silver Member Matthew Taylor
Land O Lake, Florida, USA   USA
Ok, running this one again. Why? Because its been more than a year, its funnier than most of the jokes since then, I spent a long time typing it, and we have plenty of new folks on here. So here it is again!

The teacher asked little Johnny's class to tell a story with a moral.

1st Susie gave her story. " I was carrying the eggs from the hen house, and tripped on an uneven cobble stone. I fell right on the basket, crushing all the eggs".
Teacher - "And what is the moral to the story?"
"Don't carry all your eggs in one basket".

"very good Susie!" "Jody, whats your story?"

Next Jody relates " I was figuring out how much money I was going to get when I sold all the baby hatch-lings at the 4-H fair". 'I even made plans to buy some things from the JC Penny catalog". But a fox got into the hen house, and ate most of the eggs"
Teacher - "And what is the moral to the story?"
"Dont count your chickens before they hatch"

"Very good Jody!" "Johnny, whats your story?"

Finally, Johnny gave his tale:
"My Uncle Frank was a Marine Pilot in WWII. During a heated dog fight, his F-4 Corsair was shot out from under him. He had to bail out over the Pacific. He swam shark infested waters for a few days before landing on a small, deserted, unnamed island. When he finally made it to shore, he took an inventory. All he had with him was his Colt .45, his K-bar fighting knife, and a bottle of Jack Daniels. He figured there wasn't much he could do but wait and hope some friendlies found him, so he opened that bottle of JD, and took to drinking it. About 1/2 way through the bottle, a single ship came over the horizon. Not knowing if it was friend or foe, he had no choice but to wait and watch it slowly get closer and closer. The JD helped steady his nerves all the while. Finally, the ship put out a landing craft, and it made its way to him on the beach. As soon as it dropped the ramp, he knew it was a platoon of Japaneses Marines charging right at him! He made a hasty fighting hole with his KI-bar, and from there, killed all the Japs with his trusty .45. But, it was his last shot that dropped the last attacker - he was out of ammunition. He drank a bit more of that JD waiting on the 2 landing craft that were headed his way now. He drug some palm leaves over his hole, to help hide it. Two platoons soon landed, and started combing the beach looking for him. He waited until he was right in the middle of them, then sprang into action, shooting up from his fighting hole, attacking the Japs with his K-bar alone! The fighting was fierce, blood, guts, and the cries, in Japanese, for mothers, covered the beach. Finally, it was over. But as he surveyed the dead bodies, entrails, and body parts, he realized his trusty K-bar was broken off in the last attacker. He was now unarmed. Looking seaward, he eyed the 3 landing craft headed his way. With nothing left to loose, he turned up that bottle of JD. After draining its contents, he broke it over the helmet of a dead Jap. Then he stood on the beach, with his broken bottle as a weapon, and awaited his fate. He says he doesn't remember what happened after that, except a US Submarine picked him up a few days later. They recounted there were 6 dead platoons of Japanese Marines on that beach. "

"WOW! Thats an incredible story Johnny!"...."But....what is the moral?"

"You don't F&@$ with my Uncle Frank when hes been drinkin!"



Matthew
1960 Triumph TR3a
1970 Triumph Spitfire MK 3
2012 Mini Cooper SS Convertible

vandgolf Avatar
vandgolf Gold Member Van Page
Vidalia, Georgia, USA   USA
Bill feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better
idea about her hearing loss, "Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal
conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away,
let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" NO RESPONSE!

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Dear, what's for dinner?" NO RESPONSE!

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" AGAIN HE GETS NO RESPONSE!

So he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" AGAIN THERE IS NO RESPONSE!

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" FOR CHRISTS SAKE, BILL, FOR THE FIFTH TIME, CHICKEN!!!



Van D. Page

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Hudson, Wisconsin, USA   USA
My wife told me to take out the garbage.
I said, "You cooked it, you take it out."

Spitnut64 Avatar
Spitnut64 Gold Member John Mills
Milwaukee, WI, USA   USA
1970 Triumph Spitfire MkIII "Sarah Jane"
A guy farts on the bus and four people turned around to look at him; for a moment he felt like he was on The Voice.



__________________________________________________



Why do kleptomaniacs have difficulty with puns?



V




V


They take everything literally.



"Given enough time, an amateur can build anything.”

- Bob Hicks (as quoted in the 1997 "Mariner’s Book Of Days"winking smiley

denislp2000 Avatar
denislp2000 Denis Palmer
Tulsa, Oklahoma, USA   USA
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 p.m. news was coming on.

The news crew was covering the story of a man preparing to jump off the ledge of a large building. The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!” Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 p.m. news, so I knew he would jump.”

The blonde replied, “I did, too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”

denislp2000 Avatar
denislp2000 Denis Palmer
Tulsa, Oklahoma, USA   USA
A State Police Officer is sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. He is not having any luck until he sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”

Because he wants to make sure everyone is safe, he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

As the young spritely State Police Officer approaches the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

Although he is a young man, the State Police officer has seen a lot during his time on the force, but not this. Trying to contain a chuckle, he explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. She promises never to make the same mistake again.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

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claytoncnc Avatar
claytoncnc Gold Member Marcus Clayton
Melbourne, Ivanhoe, Australia   AUS
With due acknowledgement to my Brother in Law.


The Men's Shed Meeting
We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book club at the Men's Shed. One of our senior members, Ted Roberts who is himself an author lauded for his timeless work "Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an interesting suggestion. He said his wife thought that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of Grey" as we might learn something from it. Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house.

The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our activities. At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes recounted the literary impact of the novel.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are their experiences:

Bill Carruthers, 74

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall. But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nick Enwright, 86
She stood before me, trembling in my shed
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunnings.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ted Roberts, 79
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom Entwhistle, 73

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack Farthing, 78

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Hardcastle, 72

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said,biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Colin Horrocks, 65

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”

“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Malcolm Riddock, 75

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Allen Cardly, 74

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.“I think so,” I gulped.
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humphrey Landsdowne, 56

Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat arse and no dress sense.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nicholas Benchley, 53

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked.
“When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Toby Williams, 60

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

denislp2000 Avatar
denislp2000 Denis Palmer
Tulsa, Oklahoma, USA   USA
An old couple was sitting in church one morning, listening to the sermon. The couple had recently celebrated their 50th anniversary.

When they were about halfway through the sermon, the old lady opened her purse and took out a pen and some paper. She wrote a note and gave it to her husband.

The note read, “I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?”

Her husband wrote on the back of the note, “Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

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denislp2000 Avatar
denislp2000 Denis Palmer
Tulsa, Oklahoma, USA   USA
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”

The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, “Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?”

“Pastor, I’m afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man admitted.

“What happened?” inquired the pastor.

“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

“You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.

“That’s okay,” said the young man. “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”

Doug in Vegas Avatar
Doug in Vegas Douglas D
Las Vegas, Nevada, USA   USA
In reply to # 1460372 by denislp2000 An old couple was sitting in church one morning, listening to the sermon. The couple had recently celebrated their 50th anniversary.

When they were about halfway through the sermon, the old lady opened her purse and took out a pen and some paper. She wrote a note and gave it to her husband.

The note read, “I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?”

Her husband wrote on the back of the note, “Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

MONZA!!!!

Smoothbrain Avatar
Smoothbrain Silver Member Thomas Nelson
Bettendorf, Iowa, USA   USA
Item for toolbox.



Tom


Thomas Nelson
Bettendorf, IA

1970 Spitfire Mk III


Attachments:
image.jpeg    30.6 KB
image.jpeg

Spitnut64 Avatar
Spitnut64 Gold Member John Mills
Milwaukee, WI, USA   USA
1970 Triumph Spitfire MkIII "Sarah Jane"
So the blonde calls a travel agent (by telephone) and asks: "How long does it take to fly from L.A. to Houston”?

The travel agent responds: “Just a minute, …”

The blonde says: “Thanks"; and hangs up.



-



"Given enough time, an amateur can build anything.”

- Bob Hicks (as quoted in the 1997 "Mariner’s Book Of Days"winking smiley

NCNeal Avatar
NCNeal Silver Member Neal Clark
Raleigh, North Carolina, USA   USA
1976 Triumph Spitfire 1500 "Mr. Spit"
A Vietnamese man and a Jewish man are waiting in the Doctor’s office for an appointment.

As the time goes on they become more and more irritated until finally the Jewish man says, “I hate you Vietnamese people!”.

Shocked, the Vietnamese man says, “What in the world would compel you to say something like that? Why do you hate Vietnamese people?”

To which the Jewish man replies, “Because you bombed Pearl Harbor!”

The Vietnamese man goes, “You idiot! That wasn’t the Vietnamese, that was the Japanese!”

To which the Jewish man shrugs and says, “Vietnamese, Japanese, what’s the difference?”

Stunned, the Vietnamese man says, “Yeah, well I hate all you Jewish people!”

To which the Jewish man replies in great indignation, “That’s anti-Semitic! Why would you hate all Jewish people?”

And the Vietnamese man says, “Because you sank the Titanic!”

“You idiot,” bawls the Jewish man, “That was an iceberg!”

To which the Vietnamese man replies,

“Iceberg, Goldberg, what’s the difference?”

NCNeal Avatar
NCNeal Silver Member Neal Clark
Raleigh, North Carolina, USA   USA
1976 Triumph Spitfire 1500 "Mr. Spit"
One Testicle


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle


And whose given name was 'Onestone'.


He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.


After years and years of torment,


Onestone finally cracked and said,'


If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'


The word got around and nobody called him that any more.


Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,


'Good morning, Onestone.'


He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.


He made love to her all the next day,


Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.


The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.


Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until


A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.


Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin,


Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.


She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'


Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,


Then he made love to her all day,


Made love to her all night,


Made love to her all the next day,


Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!







Why ???







OH, come on... Take a guess !!!








Think about it !!!








You're going to love this !!!








Everyone knows..



You can't kill Two Birds




With


OneStone !!!

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